Our favorite Netflix Original sitcom, The Ranch, just came out with its seventh part this year in 2019. While we may have our favorite (and least favorite) characters, we definitely all have an opinion about Colt. Whether Colt drives you nuts or you’re kind of in love with him, we think it’s safe to say that we at least all find him absolutely hilarious. From Uggs to expensive shampoo, Colt is always doing something outrageous, risky, or just plain funny. In case you can’t keep track of everything that’s come out of this dynamic character’s mouth, we’ve done it for you. Here are ten of Colt’s most hilarious quotes.
Drinking Game
“It’s a drinking game when a white trash couple fights in public: 1 drink if she cusses, 2 if she slaps him.”
Leave it to Colt to supply us with the most offensive drinking games out there. Honestly, most of Colt’s hilarious quotes are about women or drinking, so this one is pretty fitting. We also think that in Garrison, this game would get you pretty drunk, but we’re not agreeing with Colt’s stereotyping.
Babies & Money
“I don’t think I realized how expensive having a baby is. It’s like an Xbox. You think it’s only going to be a couple hundred bucks but then you gotta get the games, the controller and the headset.”
Honestly, we’re not disagreeing with this one in any way, shape, or form. This is pretty accurate, for anyone who has ever bought an Xbox or for anyone who has ever had a kid. Who knew that these two groups of people could have something like this in common? Maybe Colt is wise, after all…
Trustworthy
“You can’t trust that guy. He don’t even drink.”
Clearly, Colt determines how trustworthy people are based on whether they drink or not. Obviously, right, because what kind of maniac doesn’t like to drink? This is another pretty wise and wonderful statement by the wonderful Colt, and it summarizes this character pretty well (and his alcoholism, probably).
Cold Heat
“Yeah, I was playing for the Saskatoon Cold. It’s like the Miami Heat, except you know, cold.”
Colt is also the master of metaphors that aren’t really, well, metaphors. We love when Colt tries to explain something and it goes horribly well and ends up being absolutely hilarious. Saskatoon Cold, Miama Heat, practically the same, except for the temperature, right? Duh. Honestly, he’s not even wrong.
Make it a Whisky
Maggie: Would you like a beer?
Colt: Ma, I got a tryout tomorrow. Make it a whiskey.
We almost thought that Colt was going to pass up a drink, but he saved himself when he corrects his mother. Drinking a beer the day before tryouts? That’s madness talking. Whiskey, on the other hand, what a genius idea. That’s definitely more like the Colt we know, because we know he’d never give up a drink. Maggie definitely knew, too, and this Colt in his purest form.
Showing Respect
“With all due respect, sir. Blow me.”
Ah, we know that Colt definitely respects everyone, right? We mean, at least he said ‘sir’. He delivers this line to Abby’s dad, actually, when he shows up at their place in the middle of the night while drunk. Abby’s father knows Colt is in a tough spot, so he takes it pretty well, but Colt didn’t respond too great when he was told he should leave. He did try to be respectful though, right? This quote is definitely classic Colt, and yeah, we laughed.
Beer Slushies
“I filled this old cup with snow and poured beer in it. It’s a beer slushie.”
Every person everywhere who lives in a snowy place and loves beer just had the brightest of all light bulbs go off in their heads. We’re going to venture to say that you probably shouldn’t be taking advice from Colt, but hey, at least this kind of sounds good. We know you all tried it, and we also know you’re cursing yourself from never having had this brilliant idea before. Also, we think Maggie’s should claim it as the Colt Bennett special.
Family Advice
“Come on, everybody’s family’s f***ed up. It’s the normal ones you gotta worry about! Every time they catch a serial killer on the news, they’re like “He came from such a normal family.”
Ah, more wise wisdom from this wonderful character. When Colt is talking to Heather about their baby, because she says she wants to have a regular family, he pretty much assures her that only serial killers come from normal families. In fact, if you want to be normal, you must have a crazy family. That’s good news for all us, right?
Fuller House
Rooster: “F**k, marry, or kill, cast of Fuller House.”
Colt: “F**k John Stamos, marry Bob Saget, kill Dave Coulier.”
Rooster: “I was talking about the women, but that’s basically how it goes.”
Oh, Colt, striking us again with a very surprising and hilarious answer to another one of Rooster’s crazy questions. This is more than obvious, right? What’s even funnier, though, is that Colt goes right for the men of this show. Yeah, this caught us off guard as much as it did Rooster. We all laughed at this one, though, and we’ll never forget it.
Captain Morgan
Colt: “I know, right? Up until then, the most famous person to ever punch me was the Captain Morgan pirate.”
When Colt is explaining to Rooster that he got punched by Thomas Rhett, Rooster, obviously, expresses some pretty intense pride in his younger brother. Colt is pretty proud of himself, too, and even goes on to give us a bit too much information – his best face punch thus far was only by a Captain Morgan pirate. We don’t even want to know the story behind that one, Colt, but at least it’s pretty funny. You’re a wild card, man.
