The The X-Files has always been a favorite TV show of mine, and while it deserves its title as a medium-defining piece of classic sci-fi media, there are some ideas across its 208 episodes that I can’t believe made it out of the writer’s room. The legendary duo of skeptic and believer, Agents Mulder and Scully lead the F.B.I.’s “X-Files” division of supernatural case work in the show, coming across all manner of eerie supernatural phenomena. As the series progressed, some truly bizarre ideas made their way into the monster-of-the-week format.

It’s true that there’s only so much existing paranormal activity in the real-world the series’ brilliant writers could take inspiration from before having to get a little more creative. But watching the series after its time like I did, you start to encounter some truly puzzling storylines that seem impossible to have made it into production on paper. Nevertheless, these moments exist in the show in all their weird glory, and it’s unlikely that the upcoming The X-Files reboot will be allowed to make some of the same bold risks in narrative that the original did.

10

Killer Roaches Used As A Platform For A Series Of Poop Jokes

Season 3, Episode 12

I’ve never been someone who was especially squeamish around bugs, with one glaring exception — Roaches. Something about their slick carapaces, erratic movement, and association with filth always gave me the shivers, and season 3, episode 12 of X-Files, “War of the Coprophages”, definitely pushed my tolerance to the limit. That being said, the episode has a bizarre fecal fixation distracting enough to make me forget about my fears, leaving me wondering how this episode even made it past the pitching process.

As Scully works from home, Agent Mulder is on his own to investigate a mysterious series of deaths involving swarms of cockroaches at the scene of each body. While every death has a “plausible” explanation, Mulder is quick to concoct the idea of alien-manufactured bug bots sent down to probe this planet for its precious resources. Oddly enough, that resource seems to be human waste, as the episode has a recurring series of coincidental poop motifs connecting each case – One victim dies via exertion on the toilet, while another perishes from hallucinations induced by the burning of dung.

9

A Legless Mystic Kills By Crawling Up His Victims’ Butts

Season 8, Episode 10

If there’s one thing that aged The X-Files especially harshly, it’s the mystification of certain cultures and spiritual practices. Oftentimes, very real religious practices and cultural beliefs are twisted into a fear-mongered supernatural threat. It’s bad enough on its own when this happens, but in the case of season 8’s 10th episode, “Badlaa”, the utterly nonsensical method of murder used by its villain, a practitioner of the real fakir ascetic lifestyle, paints an even more dreadful picture of cultural representation.

In this episode, a paraplegic Indian ascetic commits a series of murders using what the show essentially describes as mystical yoga superpowers. These abilities allow him to burrow into his victims’ colon and rupture their organs from the inside out, which conjures a decidedly unpleasant visual. The episode also randomly gives the mystic killer powers of invisibility just to keep him from being caught by Scully too early into the episode. Even more jarring, I recognized British actor Deep Roy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame as the killer in question.

8

An Alien Joins The Ku Klux Klan

Season 6, Episode 19

As much as I do love The X-Files, I can’t deny that one of the series’ sore spots was the poor handling of delicate subjects such as race. Episodes like “The Unnatural” present some truly unhinged premises living at the intersection between real-world strife and science fiction speculation, making it hard to believe what I was watching the first time I made it to season 6, episode 19. The episode comes charging out the gate with a scene of a group of men playing baseball only to be charged by a cavalry of KKK members on horseback.

It’s revealed that one of the white sheets was hiding an extraterrestrial. The episode then pivots to telling a different alien’s story via flashback, explaining that it apparently developed a love for the sport of baseball (go figure), and ends up disguising itself as a black American baseball player to avoid suspicion. This results in another alien bounty hunter disguising himself as a Klan member to hunt him down, making for a tone-deaf exploration of race via inhuman proxy.

7

A Vampire That Steals Blackness Rather Than Blood

Season 4, Episode 3

Despite how awkwardly The Unnatural handles the topic of race, it felt almost well-thought-out compared to an earlier installment of the series, season 4, episode 12 “Teliko.” Again combining the very real threat of racism with laughably juvenile supernatural elements, the episode sees Mulder and Scully tackling series of murders profiling black men, leaving behind some disturbing evidence. Each victim literally have their blackness stolen from them, the pigmentation of their skin being drained away, leaving them albinos.

It turns out the perpetrator is an African immigrant who may or may not be a legendary folk figure, the titular Teliko, whose mythology is heavily embellished by the show. The actual method the villain uses to drain his victims of melanin is almost goofier than the act itself, sticking a long, metal rod up their nose. Laden with eyeroll-worthy African drums in the soundtrack, Teliko is an embarrassing episode to watch, and one of the series’ most clumsy attempts at crafting a hard-hitting allegory for the “otherfication” of immigrants and racial lines.

6

Mulder Gets Sucked Into A World War II Period Piece

Season 6, Episode 3

The Mulder and Scully will-they-won’t-they remains a driving factor for many fans of The X-Files. Personally, I always liked the duo better as work colleagues than lovers, but I recognize that’s an opinion the show didn’t share, especially by season 6. Episodes like “Triangle” seem custom-made to find an excuse for fanservice regarding their relationship, using the cover of a strange World War II spy thriller.

The episode begins with Mulder lost at sea, only to be rescued by The Queen Anne, a ship that was thought to have disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle decades ago. Soon, Mulder finds himself accused of being a Nazi spy, suddenly transported back into the 1940s. It’s here that he meets an old-timey doppelgänger of Scully, finding time to suck face with her a bit among the out-of-character high seas spy shenanigans. It’s hard to believe such a ham-fisted way to get Mulder and Scully to kiss without actually progressing their relationship made it to air.

5

Mulder And Scully Have To Track Down An Invisible Elephant

Season 2, Episode 18

It’s shocking to me that The X-Files wound up with such a weird, Mad-Libs style premise so relatively early in its historic TV run. Yet here “Fearful Symmetry” is, turning Mulder and Scully into glorified animal control responders as they investigate a series of apparent animal attacks that leave no witnesses. It turns out that a local zoo, plagued with difficulty in getting their animals to breed, is the source of the chaos, as their animals inexplicably escape and turn invisible.

Somehow, the story of Fearful Symmetry only gets stranger from there, as a gorilla fluent in American Sign Language becomes crucial to proving Mulder’s thesis that aliens are responsible for impregnating the endangered species of the zoo. Mulder going on to get mauled by the simian in an enclosed room is an unintentionally hilarious visual, and the odd attempts at an animal conservation message are lost in the myriad of plot threads. It’s clear to me that this particular episode needed a little more time in the oven.

4

Mulder And Scully Get Sucked Into A Virtual Reality Game

Season 7, Episode 13

For the most part, the world of The X-Files is fairly similar to our own, minus the extraterrestrial and supernatural phenomena. But season 7, episode 13 “First Person Shooter” couldn’t resist cashing in on the late 90s/early 2000s video game craze, suddenly turning into a prototypical Black Mirror episode. The story follows Mulder and Scully as they investigate a murder taking place in an expansive virtual reality game, somehow accelerating the technology available to average citizens of The X-Files‘ universe far into the future.

The X-Files is at its best when Mulder and Scully are investigating a tense mystery, and First Person Shooter is light on this. Instead, much of the excitement the episode attempts to manufacture comes from some unimpressive action sequences with some hilariously lame costumes that evoke the setting of a slick, futuristic virtual reality game worse than the original Tron movie. For good measure, the episode throws in a clumsy exploration of women working in male-dominated spaces, making for one of the series’ most ill-informed stories ever.

3

The X-Files Crosses Over With Cops

Season 7, Episode 12

Thus far, it’s easy to get the impression I don’t like The X-Files due to how poorly-executed some of its most outlandish ideas are. But not every big swing from the series is a miss in my eyes, and no episode works better as an example of a bizarre concept that actually works in execution like season 7, episode 12’s “X-Cops.” A literal crossover between The X-Files and Cops, which was wildly popular at the time of syndication, it’s easy to see this episode is something special from the very intro, which utilizes the former’s famous theme song, Bad Boys.

The idea of a standard episode of Cops accidentally stumbling into an X-Files case is sheer brilliance, and the result is a welcome change of pace in the series, not taking the perspective of Mulder and Scully. Instead, most of the story is spent in the shoes of Deputy Keith Wetzel, a police officer in the LAPD who responds to an emergency call describing a monster. It’s fascinating to see how normal police officers react to the F.B.I.’s most obscure division appearing in their work, and the actual monster of the episode is great fun as well.

2

Burt Reynolds As God Helps Solve A Murder

Season 9, Episode 13

As the story goes, Burt Reynolds apparently was a fan of The X-Files, and wanted to appear on the show. This message was relayed to showrunner Chris Carter, who wrote and directed an entire episode dedicated to making this dream come true. Casting Burt Reynolds as God mostly so he can play checkers with Mulder and Scully, dance to Mexican music, and have a good time, this episode was something of a casualty of the series for me.

In truth, the episode mostly spends its time focusing on a numbers-obsessed murderer evoking the killer of Se7en. But it’s hard to pay attention to this when Burt Reynolds is giving Mulder and Scully vague clues that require some truly ridiculous leaps in logic to interpret, something that The Riddler in the Adam West’s Batman series would come up with. Improbable only lives up to its name in regard to the likelihood with which it should’ve been made, with the closing shot being proof enough.

1

Magically Transgender Amish People Seduce And Kill Clubgoers

Season 1, Episode 14

As far-out as later seasons of The X-Files got, re-watching the series has gotten me to admit that the show has some truly strange premises from the very beginning. The 14th episode “Gender Bender” introduces a fever dream of a narrative that evolves from its basic beginnings. After a series of sexually-motivated murders involving clubgoers, Mulder and Scully track the evidence to an Amish community, wisely rebranded as being called “Kindred” by the show.

From there, it turns out that through mysterious arcane rituals, the Kindred are able to change genders on the fly, making it easy to lose them in crowds as they sneak away from the scene of their crimes. Not only that, but they’re also able to instantly seduce anyone simply by rubbing hands with them. Once again ascribing a supernatural threat to a stand-in for a very real religious group, it’s hard to fathom a world in which this episode of The X-Files made it to air.